Anne’s and Larry’s Adventures With Learn To Feel Better 

I never chose to be the victim

Anne

But there I was, too often ambushed, not knowing how I got there, or how to get out of it.   I was the “dog being wagged by the tail.”  I was being manipulated in all sorts of ways, but I couldn’t do anything about it.  Even when I could see right through the power plays, I still couldn’t do anything about it.  Whenever I tried to do something about it, I was considered a “trouble-maker.”

 

I attempted to think positively.  But the only way I could think of to keep the peace (and not start any negative confrontations), was to knuckle under and just do what they wanted me to do.  Often what they wanted me to do made no sense to me.  But I did it anyway, just to not start any commotion about it.

 

Eventually, enough was enough.  I was sick and tired of not having any time or energy left for what I wanted to do.  I wanted to force myself to stop feeling victimized.  Yet, no matter what I tried, somehow I always found myself on the losing end of their power plays.

 

When I would confide in friends, they would share their opinions with me.  Sometimes they suggested that I didn’t have a valid reason for feeling the way I was feeling.  Or, I wasn’t supposed to react the way I was reacting.  (Big help!)  Or, they would say that I am supposed to “stand up for myself.”  Didn’t they think that if I could have stood up for myself, that I would have?  Duh!  I couldn’t stand up for myself, because I didn’t have valid arguments that were acceptable to the other person…and I had no arguments that felt valid to me. So again, I knuckled under.  But often my friends couldn’t understand where I was coming from.

 

And that was a problem in itself.  If they had an opinion that I differed with, there I was again…not having acceptable arguments to their advice!  There was no way I could get them to see my viewpoint. I found myself in the same situation with them, as with the situation I was asking them advice on.  As usual, I would just let it go, and choose to stay “stuck” in my situation…it was better than to keep arguing.

 

“What’s wrong with me?” I kept wondering.  I know I’m a good person…or am I?  I know that I have a right to feel good about myself.  Or do I?  I was getting so confused.

 

I would spend hours trying to make sense out of it all.  “What’s wrong with me that I can’t figure out how to get my needs met?  What’s wrong with me that I can’t figure out how to stop myself from feeling victimized?  Why can’t I choose to be different and make it happen?  What’s missing in me?  I need to be rescued!”

 

And “rescued” I became.  The day we produced the Learn To Feel Better process, we were convinced that we could cause any situation that was bothering us to reveal an immediate, positive asset within us.  And by recognizing that asset, we were able to become “unstuck” in minutes.  The Learn To Feel Better process has been our salvation in so many situations.  We are thrilled to be able to offer it to you, and wish you all the success that we have had with it over the last 10 years.

 

Preposterous, Laughable, and Irrational Responsibilities

Anne

My goodness, now that I look back on what I was taught to be responsible for, it’s no wonder I was tied up in knots, always feeling stressed.  Our parents really did love us and wanted us to grow up to be responsible adults.  The unfortunate thing is, that many of their values were born out of fear.  Fear that their child would not know how to handle difficult situations…fear that their child might bring shame upon the parents…or that the child would embarrass him/herself.  Fear that, what their parents taught them might have merit, and therefore it was incumbent upon them, as responsible parents, to pass those teachings on.

 

I was responsible for how I made other people feel.

Translation:  Don’t do anything that’s going to make anyone else feel hurt, angry, resentful, or any other bad feeling.  You are totally responsible for the status of any relationship.  If the other person, or people, are upset, it’s your fault.  

More translation:  Don’t even consider the fact that other people need to be responsible for their part in relationships, and that they have a responsibility to themselves to resolve their own insecurities, fears, and anxieties.

 

I was responsible for finishing my work before I could play.

Translation:  Your work is never done, so don’t expect to have time to play.  

More translation:  If I see that you’re having fun, then you’re not being responsible.  Don’t even consider the fact that making something fun not only cuts down the stress, but, usually makes the time go faster, and makes the job more enjoyable.

 

I was responsible for respecting my elders.

Translation:  Do anything that an elder wants you to do.  

More translation:  As a child, everyone is your elder, so I generalized this, and thought that I was responsible for having to do what anyone else wanted me to do, otherwise I wasn’t respecting them…and if I wasn’t respecting them, it would bring shame on the parents.

 

I was responsible for not doing anything that would bring shame on my parents.

Translation:  Focus on what you might be doing wrong.  If you don’t think you’re doing something wrong, look harder.

More Translation:  If you’re not doing something wrong now, make sure that you stop yourself from doing something wrong, or making a mistake, in the future…which meant to me, that whatever I decided to do, I would somehow be wrong.

 

I was responsible for things going wrong.

If something went wrong, I “should have known better.”

Translation:  What’s wrong with you? (Meaning, there obviously IS something wrong with you.)  You should know ahead of time what’s going to happen.  (Thanks a lot.  If I knew everything that was going to happen ahead of time, I’d be rich.)  

More translation:  You had better check with me before you go off and try to do something on your own, because “I know…,” (yep, Mom and Dad, you know everything that I should fear, everything that I’m not capable of, everything that can bring shame on me, or you, if I make a mistake…etc., etc.)

 

I was responsible for knowing what the rules were,

even if I had not been told, or taught, what they were.

Translation:  Everybody (including me, the parent) will condemn you if you don’t follow the rules.  

More translation:  What rules?  Oops.  If I don’t know the rules, I’d better not try to do anything that will go against the rules.  After all, I don’t want to be condemned!  So I’d better shrink back, and only do what I know someone else will not condemn me for…and this translates to “do nothing, lest I be condemned.”  But I can’t do nothing.  So whatever I do need to do, I need to make sure that I keep myself in the background, so I don’t interfere with what they want to do, because if I interfere with what they want to do, they’ll condemn me.

 

If any of this resonates to you, welcome to my world.  Is it any wonder that my world was one of servitude to the imaginary gremlins that were out there to stop me from “stepping out of line?”  Is it any wonder that I was driven to find a way to make myself feel better fast?

 

The Learn To Feel Better process has made me realize that the negative images I had formed about myself are false.  That is, as my parents were trying to protect me, and give me good values, what I was actually perceiving was that I was faulty…that there wasn’t much that wasn’t wrong with me.  However, I now know that I have a strong internal set of positive values, that, when uncovered and activated, clear the way to increased self-worth and positive results. There are ways to get rid of my old beliefs about myself, so that I can move forward into my elevated self-esteem…by giving me new, positive choices, from which I can more easily and effectively deal with negative situations.

 

The Learn To Feel Better process continuously builds my self-esteem from the inside out, and connects me with new choices that allow me to express my positive values.  All I have to do is consider, “how would I like to transform my image?”  “How would I prefer to express fun, love, joy, peace (or another positive quality), when faced with the restrictions that my well-intentioned parents created within me?”  

 

Through the Learn To Feel Better process, I have been able to automatically control how and when I want to enhance my self-image.  I have found ways to hold onto my power without hurting people, or making them angry, resentful.  I have also been able to create more fun (and speed) in doing whatever needs to be done.  Additionally, I use the Learn To Feel Better process whenever I need to gain respect…either for myself or another person.  It’s the same with the shame…I can’t feel a whole lot of it anymore.  Having become more empowered, I can look at my parents sympathetically, as not having had the tools they needed to overcome their insecurities, fears, and anxieties.  They did the best they could.  They were responding on “automatic pilot,” from the limiting beliefs and attitudes that they were taught by their parents.

 

Responding on Automatic Pilot

Anne

Some things have been so ingrained in us from childhood, that later on in life, we have no idea that we are following such deep-rooted negative patterns.  These patterns have become such an integral part of us, and how we operate, that often we don’t even realize what we’re doing.  Let me give you an example.  I was taught, that, whenever anyone offered me anything, I should say, “No, thank you.”  It was ingrained in me over and over again.  To this day, I still don’t know my mother’s motivation for instilling this in me.  However, this is an example of how parents can inadvertently instill a pattern in their children, when their purpose is to teach their children to be respectful, or, to prevent the child from getting “spoiled.”  

 

So, fast-forward to my young adulthood.  I was working at my second job out of college.  After awhile, I was elevated to a position in which I was invited to meetings.  I would walk into the person’s office who was having the meeting.  He would ask me if I wanted a cup of coffee.  Often the meeting was early, and I hadn’t had my cup of coffee yet, and I yearned for that tasty wake-up drink.  My response?  “No, thank you.”

 

“Oh no,” I would think to myself.  “What did I just do?”  I could only hope that he would ask again, “Are you sure you don’t want a cup of coffee?”  Half the time he didn’t.  Not only was I kicking myself for what I had done (rather, what I had not done), but I was also too afraid to speak up and say “On second thought, I’ll take you up on your offer.”  

 

This was way before my Learn To Feel Better days.  It was so frustrating, trying to retrain myself (it took me over two years) to get over this, and to be able to say, “Thank you, that would be great.”

 

Fast-forward again, to my Learn To Feel Better days.  I knew there were similar circumstances that made me go on automatic pilot in the same way.  Someone would call and ask me to do something for, or with, them.  My automatic response?  “O.K. When?”  Afterwards, I’m thinking to myself, “Why did I do that?  This is going to interfere with what I had planned to do.”  

 

Was I able to call them back and rescind my promise?  Of course not!  I had already given my word…can’t go back on that.  My new challenge was to try to figure out how I could get my own things done, now that I had committed myself to them.  The result?  I was angry at myself, angry at them for imposing on me (yet, how did they know they were imposing when I couldn’t express my regrets?).  To compound this, there were times when I had already committed my time to somebody else, and then I had the stress of having to juggle my time, most often resulting in my own stuff not getting done.  Then, that added to my stress level, because I was disappointing myself, in not making my own stuff important enough.

 

The trouble is, whenever situations make you feel “not good,” you either have to live with it, or find a way to untangle the components of the issue, and resolve them piece by piece.  If you don’t want to live with it, you will need to look at each aspect of the situation, figure out whether it’s one feeling, or a bunch of feelings interlocked with each other.  Then you need to determine what positive value is being dishonored, that is causing those bad feelings.  Day by day, you have to be mindful of your actions and reactions, and remember to readjust yourself, in order to act the way you would prefer to act.  (In the coffee situation, I was dishonoring the fact that I had a right to express my choice.  And, it took me over two years to feel comfortable accepting the coffee the first time I was asked.)  

 

I saw my dilemma, of being on automatic pilot, as a perfect job for the Learn To Feel Better process.  I took each thing that bothered me through the 7 steps.  I identified each of the different things that bothered me, about finding myself stuck in situations I didn’t want to be in.  Among them were, how I couldn’t speak up and refuse, or accept, their offer (depending on the situation)…and, why I couldn’t make my own stuff as important to me as I was making their stuff.  The Learn To Feel Better process quickly identified the sources of my feelings, and easily showed me the values that I was missing, and not honoring, in these types of situations.  Each Learn To Feel Better process gives me new understandings, and new perceptions of both myself, and the situations.

 

The result?  I am now able to automatically stop the automatic pilot whenever anyone asks me to do something, and I can decide how I want to respond.  I can even tell people that I can’t give them an answer now, that I have to decide whether it can fit into my schedule or not.  And, this means that I now give a higher priority to those things I want to get done for myself…which gives me more personal satisfaction, and makes me feel more in control of my life…and that always makes me feel better.

 

Bye-Bye Inferiority—Hello Opportunities

Larry

This is a story I don’t often tell for obvious reasons.  First, it’s a little embarrassing to tell, and second, because I don’t like to remember how it felt to be in that situation.  I tell it now, because maybe there are other people who are suffering with the same emotional handicaps who can benefit from my experience.

 

As a child born in the 1940’s I had a very severe speech impediment.  My parents, not having a lot of money, did not have the resources to seek out any professional help for me—instead, their hope was that I would grow out of it.  But, then there was Grandma.  My grandmother decided to take matters into her own hands, and each day she would drill me on how to “correctly” pronounce my words.  As much as I tried to please her and pronounce the words the way she showed me, all I could do was fail over and over again, only to see my grandmother get more and more frustrated and act very disappointed in me.  It wasn’t until I was ten years old, and completely self conscious about any sounds that came out of my mouth, that my school brought in a speech therapist to help me and several other students with similar problems.  By that time I had developed a pretty bad inferiority complex.

 

It took about 3 months of one-hour personal tutoring sessions with the speech therapist, but I was able to learn how to pronounce my words properly and speak very clearly.  The only problem was that my self-consciousness still crippled me whenever I found myself in a stressful situation.  I would get nervous, and it would be as though I still had the speech impediment.  This led to me being tongue tied and unable to protect myself from any verbal assaults, or, to deal effectively in any situations where I needed to stand up for myself.  On occasions when I did try to express my anger or make a demand for respect, my whole body inside felt like it turned to mush, my knees began to shake and my voice sounded like I was about to cry.  In order to avoid any more embarrassment, I decided it was easier to remain quiet and just let people take advantage of me.  After years of being hindered by this condition, I found myself missing out on promotions and better job situations, so I decided it was time to take drastic measures and seek out help from a psychiatrist.  

 

At this time, the company I worked for was expanding, and I needed to talk to my boss about hiring a person to help me get all the additional work done.  I also desired a raise in my pay, as the salary for the type of work I was doing was much lower than what other people in similar positions in my company were making.  I explained the work situation to the psychiatrist, and told him about how nervous I would get, and how tongue-tied that would make me, and then I asked him what I could do to express my needs to my boss without coming apart inside.  Believe it or not this is what the psychiatrist suggested I do.  He said, “make an appointment with your boss and then go in and tell him what you need.”  “You’ve got to be kidding me!” I thought.  I couldn’t believe that this was his advice--of course I knew I needed to make an appointment and go see my boss, DUH.  Thinking that perhaps I did not make myself clear enough, I told him “I want to know how I can stop the self consciousness, the nervousness, that feeling of mush and the shaky voice when I’m speaking to my boss.”  This time in a slightly agitated tone, he repeated “make an appointment with your boss and then go in and tell him what you need.”  That was his only advice.  I left his office muttering to myself feeling like I just spent $100 for nothing, and that my situation was hopeless.

 

I never did talk to my boss, and eventually lost my job when I could no longer keep up with the increasing workload.  I was very ashamed of myself and felt depressed for quite some time.  However, there is a happy ending to this story, because, a couple years later I met Anne and we began looking for ways that we could help ourselves live fuller lives.  We went to a lot of classes, did a lot of research and took a lot of experiential workshops.  Each time, as we learned something new, we would take the new concepts and work with them…all the time adding and eliminating various techniques; until we developed a system we named Learn To Feel Better.

 

I find this little 7 step process to be truly amazing, as it can be used anywhere at anytime, without anybody knowing you’re doing it.  When people ask me how it works, I tell them it’s similar to when a doctor prescribes a specific medicine to fight a disease in your body.  Instead of medicine, this tool helps you identify the specific emotional strength you need to resolve the emotional block you are trying to overcome.  When I used it on my inability to stand up for myself, I found myself becoming more and more self-confident with a feeling of strength inside me.  I am now able to navigate through stressful situations without feeling like I’m falling apart.  Boy!  What a relief that is!!!  It’s nice to know I now have a process that can help me become the type of person I truly desire to be, and I can say good-bye to inferiority and hello to the opportunities that my life places before me.

 

Throwing my (Anne’s) mother out of our house

Anne and Larry

I can’t even describe the anguish…the depths of the guilt and shame I felt, when we were “throwing my mother out of our house.”  

 

We had offered to bring my mother in with us after she was having difficulty managing in her own house.  We had spent months cleaning out her house and putting it up for sale.  It would be so much better, we thought, having her right here with us, instead of having to travel almost an hour and a half to bring her a quart of milk.  (She had stopped driving about a year before.)  

 

After 2 ½ years with us, her health had gradually deteriorated…and, she had started falling fairly regularly.  I found myself spending more and more time attending to her personal needs, and, eventually, it became more than I had bargained for.

 

I became exhausted, and we needed to do something.  We suggested the idea of assisted living, but she had an uncanny knack of changing the subject.  This wasn’t going to be easy, we thought.  As we tried to convince her of the validity of our idea, we heard comments like,  “I thought you wanted to take care of me.  I can’t believe you want to throw me out of your house.”  We couldn’t make her understand that this would benefit both of us.  It would give my mother the care she needed, and would alleviate our stress and anxiety.  But she didn’t see it this way.

 

Omigosh.  What were we thinking?  Make my mother live with strangers?  Her response was, “There’s nothing better than living with family.”  Then later, “So you’re throwing me out…after all I did for you?”  (“Thanks, Ma.”)  She didn’t want to hear that I was exhausted, let alone understand that I just couldn’t do a good job tending to her ever-increasing needs.

 

Phew!  That was the start of my self-imposed mental and emotional abuse.  First, I felt so ashamed of “throwing her out of our house,” and it was eating away at me.  Then I felt the guilt of hearing the rest of the family condemning us for “throwing her out of our house.”  We were disheartened by her comments…that this was not what she expected from any daughter of hers, supposing that I was choosing my needs over hers, and, “Shame on me!”

 

That’s when the Learn To Feel Better process saved the day!  It took our shame and guilt, and offered us new, convincing, positive feelings that supported our inner values.  It gave us the positive motivation and self-confidence to write a 6-page analysis, pointing out specific positive benefits that assisted living would offer her.  We read the letter to her (her eyesight was deteriorating), kind of holding our breath, waiting to see if our positive approach would work.  To our amazement and delight, as soon as we finished reading it to her, she miraculously decided for us to take her to see the facility.  We had her there within an hour.  She moved to the facility over two years ago. Amazingly, she appreciates the round-the-clock attention, and recognizes that a full staff of qualified people can take care of her a lot better than we could.  Not only that, but she stopped complaining about how we threw her out of our house, and, she’s even been heard telling others how wonderful the place is, and what good treatment she’s getting!  Will wonders never cease?

 

Our Wedding

Anne and Larry

There we were, two older adults, wanting to have a really “fun” wedding (like two kids).  Imagine 100 invited guests, our age or older (we’re talking 40-85 years old), having had many years to perfect their criticisms and judgments of second marriages, white wedding gowns (“You’re not a virgin!”), and what afternoon weddings should be like (you get the picture).  

 

Would we manage to do everything right?   Would we be criticized for what we did or didn’t do?  We wanted everyone to have fun!  But, how could we get them all to forget about their criticisms and judgments on our special day?  How could we get them to be totally immersed in the joy of the occasion?  We wanted everybody to forget about watching our every move, ready to criticize and condemn…and just have fun!  I think you will agree, after reading our story, that we succeeded beyond our wildest imaginations…  

 

We knew that imagining the “worst” would mean disaster…because, whenever you have any negative feelings about a situation, it usually produces negative results.  Granted, the negative results can sometimes be relatively easy to endure (especially if you’re used to handling them).  But this was our special day, and we wanted nothing but positive expectations to produce positive results.

 

So, we took all of our fears, anxieties, and pessimistic expectations through the Learn To Feel Better process.  The result?  We were ready to create a wedding reception that we thought could disarm the criticisms and judgments.  We decided to take advantage of our last name, Doody, and create some fun with it!

 

We hoped that our idea would create a little amusement, to break the ice, and make people receptive to having a good time, despite any of their preconceived judgments.  We didn’t tell anybody what we were planning (only the D.J. and banquet manager knew, as they were part of the plot).

 

We asked the D.J. to play “Celebration.” And, as the song played, the D.J. introduced each couple.  (We only had two couples in our wedding party…our four, wonderful children.)  So, as the first couple was introduced, they walked across the dance floor and stood, facing the guests, waiting for the second couple.  As the music continued, the D.J. introduced the second couple, and they walked across the dance floor, joining the first couple, facing the guests, awaiting the introduction of the bride and groom… you know how that goes…

 

As you can imagine, being that there were only two couples, there was plenty of the “Celebration” song left for the bride and groom to be introduced.  But that’s not exactly how we planned it…

 

So here’s what happened.  Giggling about our secret, and what we were planning to do, we had gone out and bought two big bicycle horns.  We decorated them with white bows, and ribbons streaming down, to make them look real “wedding-like.”  

 

For those of you who remember Clarabelle, on the Howdy Doody Show, he was the clown, who couldn’t talk.  You’ll remember that he communicated through a multitude of “honking” sounds that he made with his bicycle horn.  (Everybody always teased us about “Howdy Doody”…as a matter of fact, we often greet people by saying “Howdy,” and usually get a chuckle out of them.)  

 

So, there were the two couples…planted on the dance floor in the traditional way, listening to “Celebration,” awaiting the introduction of the bride and groom.  Just as we were about to walk in, the D.J. abruptly stopped the music, right in the middle of the song.  The guests were bewildered.  We could hear the whispers, and we could only imagine that they must have been murmuring things like,  “What happened? What’s going on?”

 

It was then that the guests (most of them old enough to remember the Howdy Doody Show) heard the familiar voice of Buffalo Bob bellowing, “Hey, boys and girls, what time is it?” followed by the piercing sound of the referee’s whistle, and the Howdy Doody Song began.  

 

We could hear the gasps, followed by giggles and laughter, as we prepared to enter the reception hall.  We, ourselves, broke into laughter as the song began.  We bounded into the reception hall, honking our horns as we entered, and proceeded to wind our way through the maze of tables, thrusting the honking horns at the guests as we frolicked along, thoroughly thrilled and delighted by their reactions of hilarity and joviality.

 

We had succeeded in causing an instant, total explosion, of fun, exhilaration, and laughter.  We had succeeded in manifesting an even better outcome than we had desired, because those first few moments set the tone for the entire party.  Everyone laughed, danced, and carried on, and didn’t want to leave.  As a matter of fact, we took the party to another place to continue celebrating for another few hours.  Some people told us it was the best wedding they had ever been to.  Others couldn’t believe what a good time they had at an afternoon wedding (“They’re usually boring,” they said).  We were so thrilled and excited that our outcome far surpassed our desired expectations!

 

When we first decided that we wanted our wedding to be fun for everyone there, we realized there were hurdles we would have to overcome.  But we also knew that the Learn To Feel Better process would be able to clear the way for us…and it did.  When we were worried about peoples’ criticisms and other reactions to us, and the kind of wedding we wanted, we put what was bothering us through The Learn To Feel Better process.  

 

If you have desires that you have not been able to fulfill, or have hurdles that you have not been able to overcome, you may find that the Learn To Feel Better process can clear the way for you to be able to experience your own successes, far beyond your wildest imaginations.